This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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