Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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