I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
