I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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