A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
