Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
