When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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