woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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