You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
