We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So apparently I’m into choking now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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