Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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