i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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