A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
