at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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