Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
