I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
