Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
