I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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