I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
