I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
