do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
