i was born a porn star she said
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
