I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
