I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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