So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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