i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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