I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
