he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
