Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
