If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Less talking, more tequila
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
