So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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