All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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