quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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