I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
