How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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