Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
