Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
