if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
