Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize