I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
