My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
