he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
