Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
