Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
