standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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