Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
