Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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