I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
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