he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
