Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
