yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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